Posts tagged depression
Posts tagged depression
what really sucks is when you know you should be doing something but physically cannot bring yourself to do it no matter how important doing that thing is
what i mean when i say “i can’t do that” - the depression edition
- i am unable to do that
- i don’t have the energy to do that
- i cannot wrap my head around what you’re asking me to do
- there is too much in my head right now
- i can not do that
what people hear:
- i am unwilling to do that
- i am being stubborn for no reason
- i am being dramatic
- i am lazy
- i need you to repeat that only louder
- i need a push
- i don’t want to do that
Bless this post
Tired. But too alert to sleep because my brain won’t shut off with the whole, bad brain freak out it’s doing rn. Not alert enough to get up and do useful things. Tried ASMR videos for distraction/relaxation, but they’re just grating on my brain tonight. Guess I just have to ride this out. How inconvenient.
I got an email from my dad. The trip is officially paid for. I feel nothing. So I feel anxious. And dread. And this perpetual headache that won’t go away. I just want to be excited. Not stressed and anxious and depressed and headachy. … And twitchy/flinchy apparently. And super tense. I miss actual feelings. I’m getting worse. This is daft. Mental illness is crap and I don’t want it any more. I want to be a functional human being, but I can barely function enough to do simple tasks. Fuck this. I really need work but I don’t feel like I’d be able to perform to a good standard because I’m useless right now.
I’ve been laughing a lot lately. Heartily. At tumblr mostly, and not around others. But it’s a change. I sort of wonder if I’ve reached a turning point in my mental health recovery, but I doubt it. My general apathy and lack of willpower on a day to day basis seems to have hit new lows. Not sure how to turn this around.
Someone in the neighbourhood is using a jackhammer. I want to die a little. I feel like I’ve had a constant headache (mild, but still) for a week now. Today is not a good day for sounds, it seems.
At the end of the day, when I’m not laughing, I’m still feeling terrible.
Birthday started out pretty averagely by me waking up at 5.30am even though I didn’t fall asleep til after 3am and am still in a bad brain funk.
But… I have a coffee, and the kids bought me a travel diary for my birthday, so maybe today will be okay. (ETA: The travel diary is a nice thing because I’m going overseas for a month, and also I LOVE STATIONERY YOU GUYS)
Of course it will, old sport. Pancakes are happening, and I’m going to DAISO and buying more brush pens. Of course it will.
The last few days I’ve been lacking motivation and generally been lethargic, especially today. There’s been a lot of being so lethargic and apathetic that getting out of bed has been a losing battle. Today especially. And now it’s sort of tipped over into depression again. With the kind of, no energy to hold myself up with good posture, weird pressure on my diaphragm, sighing and deep breaths kind of thing. Over all euuurggggh feeling, with added sadness for flavour.
Apparently my bro’s wife’s parents are back tomorrow, so that’s awesome. I should make evening plans so I can avoid them completely on my birthday. I don’t want to deal with them rn.
In other news, it’s my birthday tomorrow. I will be 28. I think. Godwilling, I’ll be a functional adult person by the time I hit 30. Anywho, come hell or high water, I am having Pancakes in town for lunch, crippling depression be damned.
Depression is weird, yo. Right now I’m feeling pretty neutral (yay neutral), which is fine, but it makes me feel like my brain crash the other day was sillier than it was at the time. Which is pretty silly itself. Dumb brain is dumb.
It’s 2.30am and it is bed time, most assuredly. My head isn’t as achy as it has been the last two nights and I feel more calm than last night. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day. Here’s hoping.
ASMR videos have really helped rein this day in (if not turn it completely around). They are glittery, sparkly magic.