Posts tagged depression

I was feeling chipper, despite the fact that I’ve been up all night (I got up really late yesterday, it’s fine).

But then, it’s that time of year again. Mum died on the 20th of May, and every year I go along my merry way until someone reminds me. My general coping method is that I don’t want to know about it today. I don’t want sympathy from my family. It’s attention I don’t want. I’m very private about my grief mostly, especially in front of “facebook” people. I don’t want to think about it, and attention is just a reminder to think about it.

But… It’s been a whole decade now.

I’m not really sure what to do with that information.

Stayed in bed all day, so my intention is to push through til dawn and get some stuff done. The lethargy of depression is taking over my brain though and making it hard for me to do any arting worth a damn. Well, to be fair I’m drawing some pretty nice faces, but faces are like flowers for me as far as doodling goes. They’re the default. If I was tired I’d go to bed, because I don’t feel like moving much anyway, but if I go to bed I’m just going to be alert.

I guess I might quietly forage for food then try art again.



ETA: Had a shower. Feeling a little better. Warmer for now, though cooling quickly. Wearing a beanie, which is keeping my head warm and also just a novelty.

I’m having a bad brain day. I lack the ability to put it down in words today. Or at least what’s happening. Feeling tired, lethargic. Kind of grumpy, but not. Apathetically angry? I don’t know. Irritated. Edgy. Flat.

Periodic bouts of sadness or something due to a dream I had that dredged up a lot of old feelings about an old unrequited love. Hey brain, didn’t need that to be brought up right now, thanks.

Guess I’ll try and push through and draw some arts again. No “Dearest Natasha” on repeat this time though.

ETA: Feeling better than earlier, though stil anxious and insecure. Had realisation earlier that I’ve been hanging around in the online art scene for over a decade in some capacity or another. Realised that I’ve got more specialised knowledge of art copyright in an online context than my cousin’s lawyer GF because while she probs is all over general copyright law, she has no idea how the online art community works? Was a weird thought. Something along the lines of I have experience that actually means something, which is not something I can say every day.

Also, I’ve started working on a character sheet for one of my original characters just to start drawing *something*, and it is progressing pretty well akshully.

Also also, I figured out how to add metadata to a file I’m working on in Photoshop (instead of the usual, right click on file, file properties option), so pleased about that. Really ought to update all of my files with metadata.

I’m not feeling amazing. I feel tired and sad, and a little bit grumpy.

So I guess I’ll push through and try to digital some art.



ETA: Uh oh, I’ve started down a “Dearest Natasha” repeat song cycle. ABORT! ABORT! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!

Arguably listening to “Dearest Natasha” on repeat may not have been a wise idea, but it’s one of the few sounds I can tolerate right now. Stupid brain. At least I’ve desensitised myself to the feels it can produce. As long as I ignore the actual lyrics, it’s fine…

ETA: I think I’ll start tagging these Tangerine posts as itchy brain - that’s sort of what it feels like. Kind of.

Reacting to textures again. Augh. I have a … pain? Not really. In my teeth that is making noise uncomfortable also. Sliding a metal coathanger is like nails on a chalk board. Just thinking about it makes me wince. Feeling really uncomfortable in my brain and skin right now.

In other news: I tracked down a folder for all the prints I have bought, fleece was on special at spotlight, so I’m going to make some Fionna hats (aw) and sell them (yeeeeeeeah), and all of my clothes washing is done. Yaaaay.

I have deduced that my current hyper emotional state is definitely just post-con fatigue. Though it has also been pointed out that there were a lot of sick people at the con, so I might be coming down with con-flu. Fatigue is pretty sucky though. Hopefully won’t last too long.

ETA: Though I guess fatigue is/can be a symptom of depression and I am a depression suffering person… Um? Never mind. Mostly feeling fatigued on top of my usual depression.

Oh. So I guess I’m emotional today. Urgh.

Post-con depression maybe? Gosh I don’t know. Earlier I started mentally waxing sentimental about the people I go to Supanova to see and just started crying. I mean, I don’t even know if these people realise how important they are to me and how much I enjoy hanging out with them, however briefly, but it’s always a highlight. Honestly, I think I’m just so drained from how exhausting conventions are that it’s all hitting me harder than it would usually.

ETA: I went to fencing even though I was concerned I might be too exhausted. Struggled with the warm up, but had a good lesson. As always, feel a lot better after going. Still exhausted, of course - but feel much less crappy.

Gosh darn it, having a moment. I don’t have time for this. At all. *wipes eyes*

wait. I bought Tim tams yesterday. Yessssssssssss.